Today, Bernie and I are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. As I've been thinking about and reflecting on our marriage, I remembered an interview I saw years ago with an actress on a morning show. She was asked about the secret to her long (and seemingly happy) marriage. I’ve never forgotten her reply.
“Well, If we want to grow old together, most of us are going to have to persevere through some hard years.” Sometimes I hesitate to share posts like this, because I am mindful of those who have gone (or are going) through a separation or divorce. I’m mindful of those who have lost their spouse and the opportunity to grow old together. I'm thinking of those who are in very difficult marriages, feeling little hope that things will get better. And I’m especially mindful of those who may be in a an abusive marriage, because I don’t believe we are called to persevere through abuse in marriage. If this is you, please seek help and wise counsel so you can determine your next steps (1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you are grieving the loss of your marriage, I pray for God’s comfort and peace. And if, for any reason, these thoughts and reflections are not helpful or do not resonate with you, that's OK, too. While I'm sensitive to those who are hurting, I choose to share this because I know there are SO many of us in those “in-between” years--somewhere between “newly married” and “growing old together”. We are establishing households, starting families, raising and launching kids, or maybe blending families from previous marriages. We are building and re-inventing careers, doing ministry together, taking care of aging parents, navigating losses and financial stress and illnesses and all the hard stuff life throws at us, and we are doing it all from our limited, flawed, human conditions. We are living with varying degrees of brokenness: carrying past hurts into our present relationships, struggling with hang-ups, perpetuating poor communication patterns, choosing unhealthy (and often times, costly) coping mechanisms, and repeating destructive habits. Many of us will absolutely go through some really hard seasons in our marriages. We will have moments where we think, “This is where most people walk away. This is where most people call it quits.” We will grow weary and be tempted to grow bitter as our hearts harden toward the one we promised to love and cherish “till death do us part”. If this describes you, can I encourage you to keep going? To not give up? Researchers have found that two-thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. They also found that those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together. This is astounding data, and it makes me wonder why we don't hear more about persevering through the hard seasons in marriage. Generations before us thought it noble to "stay together for the sake of the kids," and I understand some of the reasons we've moved away from this in our current culture. For example, I've heard some of the 'kids' from these families (who are now adults) say they wish their parents had just divorced because their home environment was so toxic and miserable, When I encourage you to keep going, I don't mean to keep running on a broken leg. I'm not saying to keep operating in dysfunction to the detriment of you and everyone around you. However, I don't think the shift we've made is much better. The marriage pendulum seems to have swung all the way to the other side, with personal happiness being the highest value, and when one person (or both) in the marriage feels it's no longer serving them, they opt out. There is this pervasive message that if you've fallen out of love, if you've grown apart, if you no longer feel satisfied with the person you made vows to, a better, easier life awaits you on the other side of divorce. Yet, the second finding in that study was that "those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together." I recently had a conversation with a young twenty-something adult who is unsatisfied with their job situation. They've worked a few different jobs over the last couple of years, and there always seems to be something out there that looks more promising, When I suggested they stay in their current job for awhile, establish some seniority, and grow through the challenges, their reply was eye-opening for me. "Wow. I guess I never thought about sticking it out and staying with something that's not great right now to see if it may get better." I would propose that "staying together for the sake of the kids" isn't enough. It's not what any of us really want, is it? But growing together? Learning together? Allowing God to transform us together as he heals and shapes us, as he empowers us to change and become more loving people? As He shows us His plan and design for marriage? This is where perseverance can make all the difference. Perseverance can include endurance, but it goes further:
If we just coast along in our marriages, toughing it out but staying miserable, hoping things will get better on their own, they probably won’t. If we continue to sweep things under the rug, ignore problems, react defensively, enable destructive behavior, and pretend like the brokenness in our relationships and in our lives isn’t real, then we will not heal. We will continue to be stuck in the unhealthy patterns we keep repeating, and we will feel powerless to change. The truth is, we are always moving in one of two directions: towards perpetuating our brokenness or towards healing. The choice is ours, every single day. Perseverance is about actively moving toward healing and change. It's about trying again, and maybe trying something different than the last thing that didn't work. It’s about seeking to understand what each of us is contributing to the breakdown in our relationships. And I don’t think we can--or were created to--do this on our own! Here are some ideas (taking into account the resources available to you) for moving toward healing as you grow old together. See if one or two resonate and then move forward with it!
This is our marriage story--30 years, a handful of them really hard, but more and more of them really good. Bernie and I just launched our youngest to college, are recent empty nesters, and this summer we moved back to my home state of Michigan. Through all of these changes, I can't express enough the gratitude we feel that we are doing this season of our life together. There was a time I didn't know if we'd get here. We are (and always will be) works in progress, AND I am beyond grateful for what God has done for us and in us. We are definitely growing older (no question about that!), and we are doing it together. We wouldn’t be here without God’s grace. Without Him making a way for us through what seemed like irreconcilable differences. Without our marriage counselor and medical professionals, without our former church’s marriage ministry—where we experienced so much healing and learned skills that transformed how we communicate—and our Tribe of people who have walked us through and prayed us through those hard seasons. Without our friends and family who are walking us through this season right now. And without our kids who have given us three good reasons every day to keep going. Truly, to God be the glory. Comments are closed.
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November 2024
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