You see, it is not a question of "if" we will face challenges and hard seasons in marriage. It is a given. The better question is, "What will we do when the hard times come? To whom will we turn?" Bernie and I have been married for 27 years, and we are still growing. We are still learning how to love. We still hit some bumps in the road, and when we do, we know where to go for help. First we go to God. We go to our trusted circle of family and friends. We still get help from a counselor when needed. The ups and downs will always be a part of this journey. We have tried to normalize our struggles - to model what it looks like to "struggle well" - so that our daughters will not be surprised when they hit some bumps along the way.

​Our prayer is that Kate and Steve will always turn to God for help and keep Him at the center of their lives, and that they will turn to us, to their families, to their community of people who have pledged to walk alongside them in good times and in hard times. 

When we marry, we choose to become family with our spouse for the rest of our lives. I shared these words with Kate and Steve a few months before they took their vows: 

​“I hope that on your wedding day you are crazy in love with each other. I hope you feel like no other couple on the planet has anything close to the amazing love you’ve found. And, I also pray that when those feelings fade—and they will—and when hard times come—and they will—that you will not be surprised. There will be times when loving one another will be as easy as breathing. You won’t even have to try. And there will be times when loving your spouse will be the hardest, most sacrificial thing you’ve ever done. In fact, you won’t be able to do it on your own. You will hurt each other more than you can imagine, and you will need God’s help to forgive. When you say, ‘I do,’ you are signing up for a life-long journey of transformation. You are pledging to love each other through the good and the bad, the best and worst of times, whatever comes your way, for the rest of your lives.”

​In his book Sacred Marriage, author Gary Thomas writes, “The beauty of Christianity is in learning to love, and few life situations test that so radically as does a marriage. . . . If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn’t matter how difficult the person is whom we are called to love; it doesn’t even matter whether that love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, ‘Like it or not, I’m going to love you like nobody ever has.’”
​

Here are the Scriptures Steve and Kate chose as readings during the ceremony:

This wedding was a blast. It was a celebration of real-life love and the God who shows us how to walk out our vows every day. Kate and Steve are beginning the adventure of their lives, and we truly could not be happier for them. I think these photos tell the story of God's faithfulness to so many of us as we have walked together, rejoiced together, and persevered together through life's ups and downs. 

Ephesians 3:14-21
​
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 
so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 
may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep 
is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled 
to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus
throughout all generations, for ever and ever! 

Amen.

Why am I not afraid as we board this plane? It wasn’t that I wanted to feel my usual level of panic—it was just unexpected and, frankly, unexplainable. My fear of flying had started shortly after I became a mom, and over the last fifteen or so years, it seemed to get worse every time I traveled. I finally spoke to my doctor and he prescribed an anti-anxiety medicine for me to take right before I got on the plane; while it didn’t completely take away my fear, it definitely took the edge off.
 
Now, after more than a year of being grounded because of the pandemic, I was flying to Little Rock from Chicago for work. My 15-year-old daughter, Brenna, was accompanying me, and not only was I not afraid to board the plane, I hadn’t felt anxious as we ate our Starbucks' breakfast sandwiches at the gate. I hadn’t felt nervous the night before as I drifted off to sleep, which was so unusual because normally I started worrying months in advance before a trip, panic settling in as I imagined the plane taking off and gaining altitude. Over the years I had learned some mental tricks to help manage my anxiety, such as not allowing myself to think about flying until a week before, running the numbers in my head of how many flights safely take off and land every day all over the world, and reminding myself that planes rarely crash—several things have to simultaneously go wrong for something catastrophic to happen.
 
I was absolutely amazed at the calm I felt as we found our seats, stowed our carry-ons, and the plane took off. I actually enjoyed looking out the window as we ascended, seeing the landscape shrink beneath us. After a quick flight, we began our descent, I felt the wheels unfold and extend beneath the plane (which usually freaks me out), and then we landed. No big deal. These skies really are friendly!
 
During the flight I thought numerous times about the mystery/miracle of not being afraid and wondered why I was not gripping the armrests and clenching my jaw--why my heart was not pounding within my chest. What was different? What had changed? It was as if a wall of peace had been erected in my mind that I couldn’t go around. Not that I wanted to—it was wonderful to be able to relax and actually enjoy my time with my daughter, traveling together to a new place.
 
Brenna and I talked about the strange (and wonderful) phenomenon I was experiencing and she had a theory. After a year of having control over very little, including the pandemic with all its ramifications, major surgery with a potentially scary diagnosis, contracting Covid-19 with complications of asthma and pneumonia, and a significant change at my job, maybe I had built up a level of “immunity” to things that used to scare me. Brenna hypothesized that after navigating and surviving all of those difficult and scary experiences, flying was just one more thing to add to a handful of things that now seemed normal. Perhaps I was getting used to things being out of my control.
 
A couple of days later, as we checked out of the hotel and headed to the airport, I again noticed the absence of fear as we were about to board another plane and fly home, and then this thought went through my mind. Flying the plane is not my job.
 
Did you catch that? Because although that seems like a no-brainer observation, I don’t know that I had ever thought about it or acknowledged it.
 
Flying the plane is not my job.
 
It wasn’t my job to make sure we arrived safely to Chicago. That was the pilot’s job. That was the mechanical team’s job. It was the responsibility of the manufacturer and the airline and the air-traffic controllers, and whoever else plays a role in making planes and airports work the way they are supposed to. I am not even a tiny bit a part of that equation.    
 
I don’t know where all the chips fall, but I do know that I truly have nothing to do with it. None of it is my job. Ultimately, even when people fail to do their job well or evil is inflicted on innocent people, God is in control over everything. Even in moments when we are not safe with what is physically happening around us, we are safe in His care. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. He is our refuge and ever-present help in times of trouble. I can fret and worry and feel panicked in seat 18B, even though I have zero power to influence anything happening in that moment. Or, I can relax into the truth that even if something goes wrong, I am secure in God’s sovereign wisdom, love, power, and will.
 
When it comes to anxiety, so much of mine—and maybe yours—has to do with trying to control things (and people) that are not in our control. In other words, things that are not our job.
 
Fixing someone else’s issues. That’s not our job.
 
Making sure our kids are happy all the time. That’s not our job.
 
Making our spouses do what we want. Not our job.
 
Rescuing other people from pain. Not our job.
 
Impressing others. Not our job.
 
Making other people like us. Not our job.
 
Solving all Covid-related problems. Not our job.
 
Managing our kids’ spiritual lives. Not. Our. Job.
 
Controlling what other people think about us. I think you get it . . .
 
 
You see, so much of what we worry about are things outside of our control. If I’m worried I may react in a way that is hurtful to someone else, then my job is to practice self-control. If I’m worried, however, that someone else may react in a way that is hurtful to me or someone I love, well . . . that is not something I can control. That is not my responsibility. Not my job.
 
I don’t know how I will feel the next time I fly. And I don’t know if what I’m sharing here has the potential to help another soul who is afraid. But for me, and I think for all of us, the pathway to peace and a sense of calm even in the midst of chaos is surrender. We prayerfully—and with the help of the Holy Spirit—control what is within our power to control. Which is really only ourselves. For everything else, we practice letting go. We practice surrender. We practice it so much that we get really good at it. We learn to excel at recognizing the difference between what we can control and what we cannot. And the fruit we enjoy is peace.
 
 
The writer of Psalm 46 begins with recognizing God as our refuge, strength, and ever-present help in trouble, then declares that because of this truth we will not fear, even though . . .(and then comes a list of truly catastrophic natural disasters…). We will not fear because the Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress. He rules over all. And then the Lord says,
​
“Be still, and know that I am God.” 
 
In other words, we are not. Being God is not our job. He tells us to be still and not to fear, because He is with us. He alone is our fortress.
 
How about you? What fears and anxieties are gripping your heart and mind today? It may be helpful to start your own list entitled “Not My Job.” Identify those burdens you are carrying that are weighing you down. Write it down. Then say it out loud in the form of a prayer. Share it with a friend.
 
 
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.  (Philippians 4:6-7, The Message)
 

​Feeling stressed? Anxious? Fearful?

(Both my hands and a foot are raised. Anybody else?)

I think it’s safe to say that most of us these days are struggling in some way or another. We need hope. We need truth. We need joy. And we need peace.

Like now, please.

In this season of anxiety, fear, and stress the Lord put on my heart to write a devotional designed to address these three very real and sometimes constant companions with the truth and hope of God’s Word. I’m excited to share this excerpt from my newly released 40-day devotional called She Laughs: A 40-Day Journey to a Heart Filled with Joy and Peace. My heart in writing this devotional is that as you dive deeply into God’s Word, you will experience a deeper joy and peace than perhaps you ever have before.

So with that little introduction, let’s look at Day 5 of the Devotional! You’ll notice that the day is broken down into several sections (most of the days of the Devotional follow this pattern):

Search My Heart: a time for you to write out everything on your mind that is causing you stress, anxiety, or fear

Scripture for the day: the most important part of each day!

Devotional: a short commentary on the Scripture

Meditation: a way to think deeply and intently on that day’s Bible verse (several meditation styles are used throughout this Devotional)

Reflect: ask yourself, “How does this apply to me today?”

Pray: a prayer thanking God for that day’s truth and asking him to help impress it on your heart and put it into practice

Let’s dive into Day 5!!

Search My Heart
(Really pause and take a moment to think about what is on your heart and mind. If you have a notepad or sheet of paper, jot down all of the things that come to mind.)

Scripture
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures. 
He leads me beside still waters. 
He restores my soul.” 
Psalm 23:1-3a, ESV

Devotional
One of my friends recently moved to Nashville from Houston, and they bought the most charming home on a couple of acres of land. Behind their home is a field lush with green grass. There are trees that line the back of the property, and a stream of crystal clear water has carved its way along the treeline.

Looking at pictures of her new property, I feel so at peace. I imagine what it would be like to lie down next to the stream in a hammock, read a couple of chapters of a good book, and gently fall asleep, fully at rest. Ahhh, that sounds amazing, doesn’t it?

Sweet friend, this is what the Good Shepherd offers our weary souls. While it may not be a physical place (yet), he leads us into the green pastures of his heart and the still waters of his peace. When you need a break from the chaos of your world, it is by his grace that you finally rest and give him your burdens, your chaos, and your worries. He lovingly and graciously restores your soul as a good Shepherd cares for his flock.

Meditate
Pull out your phone or computer. In your browser, go to images.google.com and type in the search box “field beside a stream.” Look through the images that pop up. Find the one that looks the most relaxing, calming, and restful. Reread Psalm 23:1-3a, imagining the Good Shepherd leading you to that pasture and that stream and refreshing your soul.

Reflect
(How does this verse apply to you today?)

Pray
(You can pray silently, out loud, or by writing down your prayer.)

I hope you enjoyed this excerpt from my Devotional!! I hope that even this little peek helped you feel more peace and joy! 
​
Pressing on in faith, Jennifer

Jennifer Perez is passionate about encouraging women in their faith and pointing them to the hope of Jesus through her writing and speaking. With raw honesty and occasionally some humor, she writes devotionals and shares encouraging videos on her social media platforms. She blogs regularly at  theencouragingmomblog.comhttp:

​Jennifer lives in Houston, TX with her husband Mace and 2 children and daily misses her baby in Heaven. You can find her on Facebook @theencouragingmomblog and on Instagram @theencouragingmom.
​
She Laughs: A 40-Day Journey to a Heart Filled with Joy and Peace is an interactive devotional guide written to help you place your cares, worries, and fears into God’s loving hands. Throughout this devotional, you will engage with God’s Word using a variety of creative meditation styles that will allow his Word to sink deep into your heart, mind, and soul. You will also have opportunities to reflect on who God is, how you see him moving in your life, and how you can apply his Word each day.

As you work through this devotional, you will learn how to turn to God in complete dependence and trust. And when you do, you will experience true joy and peace in the days to come! Order book here  

​I had major surgery in December, so I am starting the new year the same way I ended the old one: SLOW. And while slow can be frustrating, it is also a gift. It has given me time with my family and rest like I’ve never had before. As my body heals and my mind clears, I’m looking ahead to the new year trying to catch some sort of vision. Resolutions? I’m really not good with those. One word for 2021? Nada. I’m looking into what seems like a clouded mirror.
 
When the pandemic first hit, I compared it to driving into a blizzard. It was disorienting and I couldn’t see very far up ahead. I didn’t know how long it would last. Heading into 2021 feels a bit like driving through fog. We may wish that turning the calendar to a new year would somehow magically propel us into a different reality, but the truth is that whatever we were dealing with in December has followed us into January.
 
If you experienced loss in 2020, grief will follow you into 2021 and needs your attention.
 
You may be praying for a loved one who is sick, or looking for a job, or trying to help your child who is struggling. Your marriage may still be hard, and you may still feel anxious or depressed over the reality we are living in. There is still much uncertainty, and like driving into a blizzard or through fog, there are a few things we can do:
 
1.)Stay alert. We wouldn’t use cruise control in a blizzard and none of us can afford to check out during this season.

2.)Slow down. Most of our external activities have slowed way down, but we have to be intentional to slow our internal worlds. To draw near to God and receive his peace.

3.)Make ourselves visible. Reaching out and connecting with others, and being honest about our struggles, is like turning on our hazard lights. It lets others know where we are.

4.)Follow Jesus. We may not be able to see very far up ahead, but we really don’t have to. We can follow in the tracks of Jesus because he knows the way.

5.)Maintain momentum so we don’t get stuck. Keep moving forward.
 
I love this passage in 1 Corinthians 8:12-13:

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.


​This is how we maintain momentum. This is how we keep moving forward.
 
Trusting steadily in God, in every situation and circumstance beyond our control. Hoping unswervingly, not in a particular outcome or person or political party, but placing our hope firmly in the One who is working all things for our good according to His purpose. And loving extravagantly, in every relationship and every interaction with everyone, no matter how easy or difficult they may be to love.
 
Of course we will not do this perfectly – that is one of the few guarantees we have. But may these three things be our aim. May these inform our daily decisions and responses and priorities in 2021. God is faithful. May we also be found faithful.

I haven't slept with a stuffed animal for at least forty years. But this past Tuesday, I did. My sweet friend got me this little lamb because in addition to having to have surgery, because of Covid restrictions at the hospital, I would not be allowed any visitors. The thought of me being alone in the hospital the night after surgery broke her heart, so she wanted to give me a tangible reminder of God's loving presence. She was thinking about Psalm 23, about the Lord being my shepherd, and the promise that he would give me everything I needed. And of course, if he is my shepherd, that means I am his lamb. 

What she didn't know is that I had been reading Psalm 23 as well, reflecting on the comforting truths found in that passage of Scripture. As much as I did not want to have to go through surgery, as much as I was truly terrified of the process, I could not deny God's hand leading me every step of the way. From every doctor's appointment to things being rearranged on my schedule, it seemed apparent that God was orchestrating all of it. And as I read each line of this beloved Psalm, my heart stretched to believe and fully receive the tender care of my Shepherd.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. (Everything I need, he will provide.) 

He makes me lie down in green pastures, (He is in this. He is at work in me, making me slow down. Settle down. Lie down. In green, lush pastures.) 

He leads me beside quiet waters, (He is actively involved. This is not just happening to me, but he is actually leading me through this. Leading me into this and out of this. Leading me beside quiet waters, into peaceful resting places.) 
     
He refreshes my soul. (Oh how I need this. Interesting how this happens after He makes us lie down. After he leads us beside quiet waters. After our calendars have been cleared and the activity has ceased. He will restore my soul.)

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. (Sometimes the right path isn't an easy one. Sometimes the right path isn't one we would have chosen. Sometimes God chooses to heal us through pain. I came to see that God would heal me through this surgery, so that I could move forward into whatever he has prepared for me to do, to bring honor to His name. 

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.
 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

I wish I could tell you I wasn't afraid, God did give me a measure of peace leading up to the day of surgery. But on that day, as they prepped me and brought me into the OR, I was so scared. I repeated Psalm 23 in my mind the best I could, but the reality of what was about to happen overwhelmed me. My surgeon took my hand as they moved me onto the table, and she looked in my eyes and said, "It's all going to be good. You can squeeze my hand. It's OK." Her presence and compassion brought me comfort. Sometimes we need something tangible - human touch. That is the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery.

The surgery went well. I am on my way to healing. And that little lamb did it's job, reminding me that I am never alone, and that God tenderly cares for me. I am going to re-gift it and pass it on to another dear friend who has suffered too many losses this year. Loved ones gone without a chance to say good-bye. Our Shepherd walks us through the darkest of valleys. 

How about you? Do you need a reminder that your Shepherd tenderly cares for you? Whatever you may be facing right now, you are not alone. You are never alone. Read through Psalm 23 and personalize it for you. 

Or maybe you know someone who is going through a valley. You may not be able to hold their hand or see them in person right now, but perhaps you could send a card or a gift, or connect with them over a phone call or FaceTime conversation. 

I am thankful for my loving family who is taking excellent care of me, for wonderful friends who are showing up with meals, texts, and phone calls, and for this time I have to heal and be restored. Thank you for your prayers, and please let me know how I can be praying for you! (I've got some extra time on my hands . . . ) You can send me a message through the contact form on this website, or find me on Instagram or Facebook and send me a message there.   

After grieving the loss of my dreams, I've thought a bit about how dangerous it could be to listen to the well-intentioned opinions of others, and even follow our own instincts. We think we know what is right and true based on our limited knowledge and experiences. We think we can judge what is right and true based on appearances and our sometimes faulty perceptions. 

Perhaps the wisest five words offered above came from the Facebook friend who ended her opinion with "But I could be wrong."

It can  be dangerous - even deadly - to eat wild fruits and vegetables without knowing for sure if they are indeed safe to eat. It can also be dangerous - even deadly - for us spiritually and relationally to follow public opinion and even our own intuition in our quest to find what is right and true.

​

For me, the Bible is like the plant app Bernie and I used to find the answer to our tomatillo question. It is my source of truth. It is what informs my faith which informs how I think, believe, and live. If that sounds overly simplistic to you, let me assure you  - I will be the first to admit that I do not understand everything I read in Scripture. And I'll be honest enough to admit that I don't even like some of what I read. Some teachings are hard to accept. Even Jesus' disciples complained, after listening to one of his sermons. "After hearing this, many of His followers said, 'This teaching is too hard! Who can listen to it?'” (John 6:60 NLV)

I didn't write the book. Just like I didn't create the earth and all the plants that grow upon it. It requires humility to accept the wisdom found in God's Word. It requires a posture of submission to accept the truths found in Scripture and to choose to live my life according to them.  Especially when  they contradict the 'wisdom" of this world. 

How about you? Where do you go to seek truth? Where do you go to find wisdom? What is informing your faith, which in turn informs your thoughts, beliefs, and the way you live your life?

In case you are curious, this is what a true tomatillo plant looks like. You can find these in the produce department of your grocery store, usually by the tomatoes. They look like green tomatoes, but they are not. They are actually related to the gooseberry family. (I couldn't make this stuff up.)

And in case you haven't been able to stop thinking about enchiladas since you read the first paragraph, here is my favorite recipe for homemade green salsa enchiladas. My niece and her husband request this dish when they come in to town. Their son, Lucas, likes to help me make it, and last time he even ate an enchilada! Use any leftover salsa to make chilaquiles, or put it on your fried eggs or drizzle it over nachos. 

​

In the last week alone . . .

I'm pretty sure I accidentally threw our checkbook and ledger in the garbage.

I met a friend for breakfast -- she picked the place and then showed up at the wrong restaurant.

One of my daughters mistakenly took our dog's allergy pill instead of her own.

A friend told me she was so out of it at home, her husband asked her if she was losing her mind.

We've heard of Pregnancy Brain. Grief Brain. Senior Moments. Well, I'm calling it. Pandemic Brain is a thing. If a scientist or psychologist would like to throw some hard data on this to prove it's real, I'd appreciate it. But I know it's real because I am not dumb. And none of the people I have referred to above is dumb. We are not losing our minds. On the contrary, our amazing brains are doing a pretty good job considering all the information we are having to process.

Think about it. We are going through our days, working, parenting, doing household tasks and chores, paying bills, figuring out all kinds of new technology and systems, and while we are engaged in all this activity our brains are processing enormous amounts of information we are hearing. Information that has to be sifted through for context and accuracy. Information which is constantly changing. The numbers. The states on the quarantine list. The timeline for a vaccine. The safety of vaccines. Political propaganda. Biased reporting. Proposed plans for schools and sports programs. 

Where I live, we were given a choice whether to send our kids back to school. Not an easy one for some parents to make, Then it was decided for us, and most kids moved to full-time remote learning. Some of my friends have decided to homeschool, so they are figuring out which curriculum to use and what that will look like. Parents are having to figure out combined schedules for work and school. Some of our kids have returned to sports camps and practices, and it's been so good for them to be active and get back to something normal. And then for some of them, their entire seasons have just been cancelled. Again. We run into the store and have to remember to put our mask on. To squirt hand sanitizer on our hands as we leave. But then, shoot! We touch the cart again. But remember? We sanitized that when we came into the store. Whew! We run into a good friend and have to decide whether to give her a hug or an elbow bump. We go eat at a restaurant and have to remember to wear our masks to our table, take them off to drink and eat, and then put them back on again if we get up to go to the restroom. It's just A. Lot. To. Remember. 

My friend -- the one whose husband asked if she was losing her mind -- is a preschool teacher. For weeks she has been going back and forth with the proposed plans for the school, trying to plan for her fall semester while planning for her own children who are now doing remote learning full-time. Then preschool was cancelled. And then her director resigned. 

Is it any wonder we are a little off our game? Is it that hard to understand how our brains could be so preoccupied with the craziness of this situation that we do things like put the milk in the cabinet and our cell phones in the fridge? That we accidentally delete 3022 files on our lap top and then delete the Recycle Bin? That we confuse our dry shampoo for spray deodorant? That we leave our credit card in the gas pump and throw our checkbooks in the garbage? (To be clear, I didn't do all of these things, but when I shared on Facebook that I accidentally threw away my checkbook and asked if anyone else had done anything dumb lately, these are some of the responses I got.) My theory with the checkbook is that after my hairdresser cut my hair in my garage (can I just point out this is not normal??), and I wrote her a check on the back of our Jetta, I grabbed my broom and dustpan, swept up the hair from the garage floor, and then walked down to the garbage can which was already on the curb for pick-up the following day. With my towel around my shoulders and my hair dripping wet, I waved goodbye as she pulled away, opened the lid, and probably dropped  my checkbook and pen, along with the hair, in the trash. 

It was not a normal situation. Few things in my life are normal right now. There is a lot going on in my head. 

Maybe you can relate. Do you feel like a GPS that is constantly saying "Recalculating?" Do you feel like that rainbow pinwheel that spins on your Mac when too many files are open and it can't keep up? Do your feel like your relationships are being affected, like when your smartphone tells you your wifi connection is weak or poor? That some of your connections with your regular people and your regular rhythms of life are not as strong as you would like? Are you overwhelmed as you try to figure out what to do about your child's education and what role you will have in it? Are you trying to figure out childcare if you are an essential worker and your kids are now going to be at home? Do you miss going to church and going on vacation? Are you sick and tired of Zoom??

If so, I want to tell you what I told my friend. I said, "You can go tell your husband (who by the way is a very nice person) that you are most definitely not losing your mind. Your brain is extraordinary. Honestly, it's remarkable you are functioning as well as you are, given the circumstances. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Give yourself grace. This Pandemic Brain is a lot like Grief Brain."

My friend looked at me and replied, "There is grief here. With this pandemic. There is loss." Yes, there is. For some of us more significantly than others, but all of us are experiencing loss. Our kids are experiencing it, too. So be gracious to yourself and to others. Be extra kind and compassionate to yourself and to others. Make allowance for your faults and the faults of others. 

I can't wait till we move past this era -- my prediction is that because of how hard our brains are working during this season, we will end up smarter than ever. Hopefully wiser, too. 

       
I didn’t want to see him, let alone have dinner with him.  It was Valentine’s Day, and my husband, Bernie, and I had hit the lowest point in our marriage of nine years.  I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. Celebrating a romantic occasion during this season of marriage was awkward, even painful.  This is where most couples walk away and call it quits.  This is really hard and I don’t know how we’re going to make it.  How do we celebrate this day when feelings of being in love are a distant memory?

It wasn’t always like this.  Our early years of marriage were smooth sailing, and we looked forward to our time together.  Over the course of our relationship, we had celebrated special days like anniversaries and Valentine’s Day (which is also the anniversary of our engagement) in a number of different ways.  Some years when we could afford it and extended family members were able to care for our small children, we would get away for an entire weekend, savoring our time together at our favorite bed and breakfast on the shores of Lake Michigan.  Other years we enjoyed a quiet dinner in our favorite restaurant, maybe even catching a movie afterward. 

One year, as we waited for our server to bring us our drinks and were deciding on which fondue to order, the babysitter called to say that one of our daughters had gotten sick.  We rushed home, put the kids to bed, ordered take-out, and watched a movie together. That anniversary stands out as one of my favorites, not because of what we did or where we went, but because of where we were at in our relationship.  We were connected.  We were figuring out parenting and life together.  We felt loving feelings toward one another. 

But now, with an accumulation of resentments and negative interactions between us, my heart felt hard.  We had barely survived an onslaught of difficult circumstances, including a miscarriage, job loss, and Bernie’s serious bout of depression followed by his devastating diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.  Initially, our grief had brought us closer to each other, but as the stress and pain reached almost unbearable levels, our fears and anxieties went through the roof. 

Communication became almost impossible.  We were stuck in a cycle of unresolved conflicts, and every attempt to talk through our issues resulted in another fight.  Bernie wanted to move past our conflicts and be close again; when I pulled away because of my hurt, his anger intensified.  He felt rejected, like I was punishing him.  I needed space and time to heal; he needed acceptance and connection.

Over an awkward, silent dinner, I looked at my husband of nine years and thought, how did we end up here?  All around us couples were dining, and I silently made up stories about how happy they were, and the amazing lives they were probably living.  Some appeared to be just starting their lives together, dating or newly married.  Other couples looked older, and I imagined with envy that they had managed to make it through decades of whatever life threw their way.  What was wrong with us?  How were we supposed to mark this occasion when we didn’t even know how we were going to survive our marriage? 
  
The Bible doesn’t tell us whether to give roses or chocolate, but it does define what real love looks like and gives guidelines for how to express it.  We are told in Romans 12:9 that “Love must be sincere.  Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.”  1 Peter 1:22b says, “Love one another deeply, from the heart.”

For us, during those difficult seasons, the most authentic way to celebrate our anniversary and Valentine’s Day was to go out to dinner and exchange cards that affirmed our commitment to one another.  Cards that said, “Even with all we are going through, I still love you.  We will get through this.  I’m not going anywhere.”  These were not the flowery, romantic celebrations we had often shared, but they were loving and sincere.  They helped us to hold on, and gave us hope that we would, in fact, make it through.  With God’s help, and our strong commitment to one another, we would come out on the other side.
 
And we have.  With the help of a Christian counselor, Bernie learned how to give me the space and time I needed, even when it was uncomfortable for him.  I learned how to move toward him when I felt like running away.  We learned to be honest about our needs.  With hard work, prayer, and plenty of opportunities to practice loving and extending grace to one another, we are on the other side of experiencing the joy of committed love. The warm, loving feelings have returned, and our friendship is deeper because of all we have gone through.  We have authentically celebrated 25 wedding anniversaries and Valentine’s Days, and we continue to look for ways to genuinely love one another, in every season we are in: in good times and bad, for better or worse.
If you are facing a difficult season in your marriage this Valentine’s Day, consider these suggestions:
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• Don’t blow off the occasion just because you don’t know what to do. Choose to express your love and commitment as honestly as you can.
• Affirm your spouse for one thing you appreciate.
• Communicate vulnerably your feelings and needs, without making demands that your spouse meet those needs. And invite your spouse to do the same.
• Give your spouse the gift of acceptance.

My writing and speaking career began with a Christmas letter. About ten years ago, I wrote a piece about our Christmas tree and included it with our family Christmas card.  I received a lot of positive feedback on what I'd written (from people other than my mother), and someone even recommended that I start writing articles at church for a marriage newsletter. When I was asked to edit and contribute original articles to this newsletter which went out to about three hundred marriage workshop participants, my first thought was No, thank you. I don't know how to do that. But then came this other thought, brave and vulnerable...But I'd like to try. What's the worst that can happen? That I'm terrible at it and I get fired from volunteering?

I wrote an original article for one of the issues, and another leader (who was an editor at Chicago's Daily Herald newspaper) asked if she could rework the article and run it in a brand new parenting magazine the paper was launching. With my name in the byline. 

Then I thought of a couple more article ideas for the parenting section, and after getting approval to write them I googled "how to write a feature article for a newspaper." We did this ping-pong thing for a few months, her asking me to write about a certain topic, and me throwing out more ideas, and then she said, "Why don't we just make this a regular column? We'll call it 'A Mom's Point of View.'"

I cut my writing teeth on that column, which ran for five years, and I also took a writing class at a local college. I honed my skills. I opened myself up to critique (which is so very painful, and the best way to grow). I learned from other writers. I registered for a writer's conference, which led to more articles published in various magazines. Several people told me I needed to start speaking as well, because speaking and writing go together, and my first thought was No! I stuttered as a child into adulthood. I want to be a writer. I could never be a speaker! And then my brave voice from somewhere deep inside...but I sure would like to try. What's the worst that can happen? That I'm terrible and no one ever asks me to speak again?

After attending my second writer's conference and pitching my book idea to more than a dozen publishers (and getting rejected by those who responded) I finally got two yeses. I chose Kregel Publishers, and my book, Cancer, Faith, and Unexpected Joy, What My Mother Taught Me About How to Live and How to Die was released in 2017. 

I have been speaking and writing to women for ten years, and I love it. I don't know where this journey goes from here, and that's OK. I'm learning to trust God's timing. He knows what is best and is preparing me for what is next. I'm learning to not let fear call the shots. I'm reminded to not despise small beginnings. 

As with Mary, all God is asking of me is a willing, surrendered heart. That my YES comes from a place of trusting that He is good, He is with me, and He has a plan. I don't have to figure everything out on my own or know all the details in advance. 

          And Mary said, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord;
          let it be to me according to your word."  (Luke 1:38)

Thanks for following along on my journey. You can read my ten-year-old Christmas letter below. Every word of it still rings true. Merry Christmas to you and yours <3

One of the things I love most about the Christmas season is putting up our tree.  Every ornament takes me back to a particular time or place, a memory attached to each one.  Many memories are joy-filled, and some carry painful reminders of a difficult season or time of loss.  Yet when the tree is complete I find that it speaks of God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life, and I am able to see how my story echoes His greater story-the one we celebrate at Christmas.
           
Some of my favorite ornaments are from different places we’ve lived, like London, Mexico, and Austin, as well as from here at home in Illinois.  Some we’ve picked up during our travels, like on our honeymoon, at our favorite bed and breakfast on the shore of Lake Michigan, and from the Wisconsin Dells.  I love watching our three daughters dig through the boxes to find their “baby’s first Christmas” ornaments, along with dozens that they have made over the years.  We have ornaments given to us by friends and family, as well as a few I fought for at white elephant exchanges. 

Packed in these same boxes are ornaments we bought the year my husband, Bernie, was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and a Hallmark globe from 2002 that simply says, “Emmanuel, God with us”.  We bought it for our friends who buried their precious baby daughter right before Christmas, and then we bought one for ourselves because we needed those words of comfort as well. 

We have two Crayola crayon ornaments that say “Oasis” which is where our children spent some time being cared for while Bernie and I found help and healing at our church’s marriage workshop.

Even my nativity set tells a story.  I purchased it while shopping with my aunt on vacation.  We had no idea that my uncle would go home to be with Jesus that very morning.

Some people would rather not be reminded of such painful memories.  And I have to admit, that first year, it was hard to set up my new nativity.  But with each passing year, I have come to realize just how significant all these treasures are.  Together they paint a picture that is symbolic of our lives: the good and the bad, the joys and the sorrows, the highs and the lows.
Often during the holidays, we work overtime trying to make everything seem perfect.  We sing about our troubles being miles away and miss the invitation to come just as we are – troubles and all – and worship the One who came to be with us, to be our Emmanuel. 
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