I finally had to stop collecting them. Each year during my holiday shopping, I would see a new Nativity set that called my name, and before long I had more sets than I had surfaces to display them. There is this classic one with a stable that I bought after the holidays at Meijer one year:
​

My sisters and I made a hanging wall Nativity when we were all newly married, and when our kids were growing up, we would read the nativity story in small increments and hang one character or object from the Christmas story each night before bed.

​After my grandmother died, I inherited the ceramic Nativity my mom gifted her many years ago. And I've passed along a couple of other sets to our adult daughters. ​

I think what I love most about Nativities are their purpose--they tell a story. Not just any story, but the greatest, central story about who God is and who we are and just how far He has gone to save, redeem, and restore us to Himself. 

It has been interesting to explore some of the history--much of which is heavily debated--surrounding the birth of Christ. Was He actually born in a barn? Or was it a stable, a cave, or a guest house? Were Mary and Joseph all alone, or were there midwives there to help? Was He really born in December or was it in early Spring, like some speculate? And why are the Wise Men included when they likely didn't visit the newborn King until He was not so newly born anymore?

While these details are interesting and significant to a lot of folks, for me, they really don't matter. They do not alter or take away from the beauty and mystery surrounding that holy night so long ago. 

Here is what speaks to me:

1. Mary's surrendered heart: Mary was not perfect--she was human. She was waiting and praying for the Messiah along with everyone else (Luke 1:46-55). Yet, the angel Gabriel says she is highly favored by God. Her response to his astounding message reveals her heart, beautifully submitted to God and to His plan to bring the Messiah into the world through her. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me according to your word." Her posture was humble as she welcomed her son and Savior.

2. Joseph's obedience: Joseph was an upright man, but he knew there could be only one natural explanation for why his fiancé was pregnant. That is, until an angel visited him in a dream, offering a supernatural explanation and instructions to not go through with the quiet divorce he was planning. (It seems that when something humanly impossible is happening, the best way to deliver the news is through an angel!) Joseph believed the angel, believed Mary, obeyed his commands, and chose a life of obedience and trust. Exactly the kind of earthly dad and fatherly example Jesus would need.

3. The Shepherds: Again, the angels delivered the incredible news of Christ's birth, and to shepherds of all people! The shepherds, who stood on the bottom rung of the social ladder, were the first to hear that the Savior had been born for them. And they, too, believed (these angels were very convincing) and hurried off to find the babe exactly how the angels had described. The lowly shepherds worshipped the perfect lamb of God, the One who one day would be called the Good Shepherd. 

4. The Wise Men: Prominent men from afar, following a star, in search of a new King. And when they came to the place where the child was (whether Jesus was sucking his thumb, crawling, or toddling around the house really makes no difference to me), they worshipped Him and offered their gifts. Three kings bowing before the King of Kings.

5. The Angels: They are the heavenly messengers delivering messages that would otherwise be unbelievable. 

6. Jesus: Creator God enters creation as a baby: tiny feet, beating heart, blood pumping through veins. He walked in our shoes, suffered as we did, yet He was without sin. Perfect, and then broken, for us. Feet nailed to the cross, heart of love poured out, blood spilled to forgive our sin. And guess who was at the empty tomb to announce His resurrection? You guessed it, an angel!

Each scene and each character in the story reinforces the supernatural events, abounding love, and amazing grace of God. Each person's unique experience corroborates the truth about who this baby was and their belief that what God had said was absolutely true. A baby in a manger, the Savior, born for you and for me. It truly is the very best story ever told. The story of the ages. The hope and fears of all the years, met in Him that night.  

Years of waiting.
Decades of silence.
Each generation hoping that they would see the Promised One.
 
In the fullness of time He did come,
But not as anyone expected--
Not as anyone could have imagined.
Born to a virgin in a borrowed shelter,
He appeared, and the soul felt its worth.
Lowly shepherds worshipped the perfect Lamb of God.
Kings from afar humbly bowed before the newborn King of Kings.
 
Good news proclaimed to the poor,
Healing for the brokenhearted,
Freedom for those in captivity,
And recovery of sight for the blind--
 
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
And yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
 
Jesus was not what anyone expected but exactly who everyone needed.
 
I, too, am waiting.
In quietness and trust I find my strength.
Each year, praying for salvation, redemption, freedom, recovery,
For the restoration of all that is broken--
In this world, in my family. . . in me.
 
His patience must not be mistaken for slowness in keeping His promise,
For it's His kindness that leads us to repentance.
His love transforms every heart that prepares Him room.
 
He is still opening blind eyes and freeing captives.
He is still the Good Shepherd, chasing after the one who wanders.
It’s the very reason He came—to seek and to save those who are lost.
So, I wait with expectancy for Him to do above and beyond all I could ask or even imagine.
 
I’m trusting the One in whom all things hold together, our Savior, our cornerstone.
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in Him alone.
 
—Becky Baudouin

Today, Bernie and I are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. As I've been thinking about and reflecting on our marriage, I remembered an interview I saw years ago with an actress on a morning show. She was asked about the secret to her long (and seemingly happy) marriage. I’ve never forgotten her reply.
 
“Well, If we want to grow old together, most of us are going to have to persevere through some hard years.”
 
Sometimes I hesitate to share posts like this, because I am mindful of those who have gone (or are going) through a separation or divorce. I’m mindful of those who have lost their spouse and the opportunity to grow old together. I'm thinking of those who are in very difficult marriages, feeling little hope that things will get better. And I’m especially mindful of those who may be in a an abusive marriage, because I don’t believe we are called to persevere through abuse in marriage. If this is you, please seek help and wise counsel so you can determine your next steps (1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you are grieving the loss of your marriage, I pray for God’s comfort and peace. And if, for any reason, these thoughts and reflections are not helpful or do not resonate with you, that's OK, too. 
 
While I'm sensitive to those who are hurting, I choose to share this because I know there are SO many of us in those “in-between” years--somewhere between “newly married” and “growing old together”. We are establishing households, starting families, raising and launching kids, or maybe blending families from previous marriages. We are building and re-inventing careers, doing ministry together, taking care of aging parents, navigating losses and financial stress and illnesses and all the hard stuff life throws at us, and we are doing it all from our limited, flawed, human conditions. We are living with varying degrees of brokenness: carrying past hurts into our present relationships, struggling with hang-ups, perpetuating poor communication patterns, choosing unhealthy (and often times, costly) coping mechanisms, and repeating destructive habits. Many of us will absolutely go through some really hard seasons in our marriages. We will have moments where we think, “This is where most people walk away. This is where most people call it quits.” We will grow weary and be tempted to grow bitter as our hearts harden toward the one we promised to love and cherish “till death do us part”.
 
If this describes you, can I encourage you to keep going? To not give up? Researchers have found that two-thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. They also found that those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together. This is astounding data, and it makes me wonder why we don't hear more about persevering through the hard seasons in marriage. 

Generations before us thought it noble to "stay together for the sake of the kids," and I understand some of the reasons we've moved away from this in our current culture. For example, I've heard some of the 'kids' from these families (who are now adults) say they wish their parents had just divorced because their home environment was so toxic and miserable, When I encourage you to keep going, I don't mean to keep running on a broken leg. I'm not saying to keep operating in dysfunction to the detriment of you and everyone around you. 

However, I don't think the shift we've made is much better. The marriage pendulum seems to have swung all the way to the other side, with personal happiness being the highest value, and when one person (or both) in the marriage feels it's no longer serving them, they opt out. There is this pervasive message that if you've fallen out of love, if you've grown apart, if you no longer feel satisfied with the person you made vows to, a better, easier life awaits you on the other side of divorce. Yet, the second finding in that study was that "those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together."  

I recently had a conversation with a young twenty-something adult who is unsatisfied with their job situation. They've worked a few different jobs over the last couple of years, and there always seems to be something out there that looks more promising, When I suggested they stay in their current job for awhile, establish some seniority, and grow through the challenges, their reply was eye-opening for me. "Wow. I guess I never thought about sticking it out and staying with something that's not great right now to see if it may get better."

I would propose that "staying together for the sake of the kids" isn't enough. It's not what any of us really want, is it? But growing together? Learning together? Allowing God to transform us together as he heals and shapes us, as he empowers us to change and become more loving people? As He shows us His plan and design for marriage? This is where perseverance can make all the difference.

Perseverance can include endurance, but it goes further:

• Endurance: the ability to withstand hardship or adversity.
• Perseverance: the continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.

If we just coast along in our marriages, toughing it out but staying miserable, hoping things will get better on their own, they probably won’t. If we continue to sweep things under the rug, ignore problems, react defensively, enable destructive behavior, and pretend like the brokenness in our relationships and in our lives isn’t real, then we will not heal. We will continue to be stuck in the unhealthy patterns we keep repeating, and we will feel powerless to change.
 
The truth is, we are always moving in one of two directions: towards perpetuating our brokenness or towards healing. The choice is ours, every single day.
 
Perseverance is about actively moving toward healing and change. It's about trying again, and maybe trying something different than the last thing that didn't work. It’s about seeking to understand what each of us is contributing to the breakdown in our relationships. And I don’t think we can--or were created to--do this on our own!

Here are some ideas (taking into account the resources available to you) for moving toward healing as you grow old together. See if one or two resonate and then move forward with it!

• Start with working on yourself. Get individual help to work on individual growth: therapy, growth groups, recovery programs, and grief support, to name a few. We may want to point our finger at our spouses, thinking they are the problem, but if we will get really honest with ourselves and prayerfully consider where we need to change, heal, and grow, we can show up healthier in our marriages. 

 

• Find a good marriage therapist and invest in your relationship. (If the first therapist you see isn’t a good fit, try another one!  And if your spouse won't go, start going on your own.) 

 

• Look for a church that is grounded in God’s Word and has a thriving marriage ministry. Look for people who are real, who are willing to open up and be honest. Then get involved.

 

• Join a couples’ small group. And here's the key: when you start sharing about your lives, be vulnerable and go first. Everyone thinks everyone else has it all together until someone bravely says, "Actually, we're not doing so great." The moment you open up about your struggles, others in the group will likely follow. Vulnerability can take your group from surface-level to deep connection. 

 

• Seek help and recovery for addictions, past trauma, codependency, mental and emotional health concerns, grief, any hurts and hang-ups that are affecting your marriage. (Check out Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous or addiction-specific groups, Al-Anon, Grief Share near you.)

 

• Go on dates. Get out together and do something you both enjoy! And get it on the calendar. When our kids were little, it was difficult to find sitters. We started a co-op with some friends and had Friday night date nights: we rotated houses and took turns watching the kids while the other couples went out to dinner. It was a win for everyone!

 

• Have fun together! What kinds of things did you used to enjoy doing together? Revisit some of those activities, and try something new! 

 

• Learn how to create safety in communication so you can talk about the hard stuff. This is not easy but so, so important! You can't feel close to someone if you don't feel safe to open up. Marriage expert John Gottman has identified The Four Horsemen in conflict which, according to his research, are destructive to relationships. You can read about how Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling may be impacting your marriage and, more importantly, how to eliminate and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns.

 

• Challenge and expose faulty thinking and theology. Becoming aware of distortions in our thinking (click here to read about 7 cognitive distortions and how they impact relationships), as well as challenging false beliefs is good, hard work. Bernie and I were raised in very similar church backgrounds, and over the course of our marriage we have identified several false beliefs that have been detrimental to the health of our marriage stemming from: Scriptures taken out of context; certain verses given more weight or importance over others; one person's needs considered more important than the other's; over-generalized gender roles; unreasonable expectations; entitlement; and enabling selfish and immature attitudes and behaviors.                                                                                        Paul wrote several letters to the early church teaching mutual love, respect, honor, and submission in marriage. He emphasized consideration of other's needs and not only our own, speaking the truth in love, and love that is not proud, arrogant, self-seeking, easily angered, or demanding its own way. Our example is Jesus, who laid down his life for us. (See these for reference: Colossians 3:12-14, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, Ephesians 4:25, Ephesians 5:21-33, and Philippians 2:4.) 

 

• Find a mentor couple with whom you can open up and share what is really going on. Bernie and I have sat on both sides of the table with this, and these relationships are a treasure! Do you know a couple whom you respect and admire, who is further along in their marriage journey than you are and seems to have a solid relationship? Ask if they'd be willing to get together from time to time. Again, get real with safe people.

​

• Humble yourself. Cry out to God. Surrender to Him, and ask Him to make a way through for you and your spouse.

• Soften your heart. If your heart has grown hard, ask God to soften it. The two best ways we've found to soften hard hearts is through affirmation and ownership. Appreciating (and verbalizing) the good in your spouse and taking ownership for your mistakes can help us move away from criticism, pride, and resentment. This can sound like: "Something I love about you is . . ." and "I'm sorry for . . . " Doing these two things daily can transform your marriage. 

• Learn how to listen to understand, and not just to respond. Ask, "Is there more you'd like to tell me about that?" Practice saying, "Help me understand . . ." and "Well that's a different way to look at it" instead of "You're wrong!"

• Go after your spouse's heart. Learn how to love your spouse like they’ve never been loved before - like you’ve never loved someone before. With God's help, there is SO much we can do before we ever get to a place where we feel we’ve exhausted all resources and come to a dead end.

 
This is our marriage story--30 years, a handful of them really hard, but more and more of them really good. Bernie and I just launched our youngest to college, are recent empty nesters, and this summer we moved back to my home state of Michigan. Through all of these changes, I can't express enough the gratitude we feel that we are doing this season of our life together. There was a time I didn't know if we'd get here. We are (and always will be) works in progress, AND I am beyond grateful for what God has done for us and in us.

We are definitely growing older (no question about that!), and we are doing it together. We wouldn’t be here without God’s grace. Without Him making a way for us through what seemed like irreconcilable differences. Without our marriage counselor and medical professionals, without our former church’s marriage ministry—where we experienced so much healing and learned skills that transformed how we communicate—and our Tribe of people who have walked us through and prayed us through those hard seasons. Without our friends and family who are walking us through this season right now. And without our kids who have given us three good reasons every day to keep going.

​Truly, to God be the glory.
​

If you feel like you are limping into 2024, you are not alone. Don't get me wrong; I appreciate all the motivation and encouragement to start the year off strong. I, too, have eaten my weight in sugar and cheese over the holidays, and I, too, am looking for ways to reset, recharge, and recommit. I'm definitely wanting to jump on the wagon with everyone else who is resolving to eat healthier, exercise more regularly, and read through the Bible this year. I want to do better, be better, live my Best. Life. Yet.

But the transition from 2023 to 2024 feels a bit shaky for me, and I'm having trouble finding my footing. Anxiety and grief from this previous year are weighing on me as I take my fist steps into this new year. Most days, I feel like I'm stumbling alongside the moving wagon of good intentions but can't seem to actually get enough momentum to hurl myself on it. Maybe you can relate?

New Year's Resolutions are about modifying and improving things we can control: our behaviors, routines, and habits. That's why the motivation and inspiration this time of year can be really effective, at least for awhile. Change requires effort. So we keep showing up. We do the hard work to grow, to get healthier, to repeat the desired actions that will create the positive habits that will produce a better life. 

God grant me the courage to change the things I can.

​But what about all the things we can't control? For some of us, the promise of a new, better year is over-shadowed by the difficult circumstances rolling into the new year with us. Just as our troubles didn't magically disappear over the holidays, they aren't going to vanish into thin air in 2024. We may be facing hard realities we are powerless to change and, for a few of us, may even grow harder with each passing day, week, and month of the new year. Some of my friends are caring for aging parents or spouses whose health is rapidly declining. My mom was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer eleven years ago, right before Thanksgiving, and by Christmas we knew it was both inoperable and incurable. As we looked ahead to that new year, it wasn't through the lens of high hopes and new dreams; rather, we couldn't help but wonder what kind of grief awaited us. What would Easter and Mother's Day look like? During which month would we be saying our goodbyes and planning her funeral? 

Some of us are walking through some terribly difficult seasons right now. What we need, more than anything else, is peace. But how can we have peace when life around us is in chaos? When broken relationships, financial hardship, addictions, sickness, mental illness--and a whole slew of troubles we cannot control or fix--touch us and the ones we love, keeping us up at night and following us through our days like a dark shadow?  Where can we find peace when life is a mess?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I don't know about you, but when I am craving peace I look for reassurance in what is observable. Measurable. Tangible. I want to see something with my eyes and hear certain words with my ears. I want concrete data.

How would you finish this sentence?

If only ________________________________________________________, then I would have peace. (. . . then I could sleep well at night. . . . then I could relax and enjoy life . . . )

I hate to be the one to say it (as much to myself as to you), but if our peace is dependent on anything we wrote in that sentence above, it will remain out of reach. Sure, we may have temporary moments of relief and reassurance--glimmers of serenity--but only until the next disappointment, the next phone call bearing bad news, the next argument, the next unexpected expense, the next bad scan, the next relapse. . . . only until the next shoe drops.

Jesus offers us something truly amazing. He offers us peace that is not attached to our circumstances or particular outcomes. Peace that transcends our understanding. It is peace unlike any reassurance the world or any person can offer us. It is not dependent on what we see with our eyes or hear with our ears or experience in this life. It strips uncertainty of its power over us and guards our hearts and our minds. It is a supernatural gift.

 “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. (John 14;27)

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

You may not be able to control what is happening around you or how 2024 unfolds, but here are some truths you can absolutely count on:

1. God is good.

• He is always working all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28)
• He loves us with an ever-lasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).
• We can thank Him in every moment because He is good and His love endures forever (Psalm 136:1).
• Because of His great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail, they are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness! (Lamentations 3:22-23)
• Whatever and for whomever we are praying, if it aligns with His will, we can be certain that He desires it even more than we do. That loved one you are praying for? He loves them even more than we do. He wants to see them healed and free and returning to Him with all their hearts even more than we do. God is good and loving. We can trust His heart for us. 

​
2. God knows. 

• He knows everything we don't. He knows everything that is hidden, everything that has happened, is happening right now, and will happen in the future. He knows our hearts, our intentions, our anxious thoughts. He knows what we and our loved ones need. He knows where we are (and where they are) in every moment and how to reach us.
• He knows the plans He has for us--plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). There is so much we don't know, so we speculate and imagine and assume and theorize and worry, but we can take great comfort in knowing that God knows.

​
3. God is with us.

• He hears our prayers (1 John 5:14).
• He sees us (Genesis 16:13).
• He is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble ( Psalm 46:1). 
• He has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5). 

​
4. God is able. (Right now, this is my favorite attribute of God.)

• He is able to keep us from stumbling and to present us before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy (Jude 1:24).
• And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work (2 Corinthians 9:8).
• . . . because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day (2 Timothy 1:12)
• Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (Ephesians 3:20-21).

There is truly no peace like the peace that Jesus gives, and it is ours for the taking. It's available to us in every moment, regardless of what is happening around us, as we keep our eyes on Him. I'm craving a peace that is more than fleeting. I'm longing for a sustaining, enduring peace as I abide in His love and steadfastly trust in Him.

You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.
 Trust in the Lord forever,
    for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
(Isaiah 26:3-4)

My prayer for 2024 is that we would indeed have courage and strength to grow, improve, and change the things we can; and for all that is outside the scope of our control. may we grow in our ability to trust our good, loving, all-knowing, always-with-us, all-powerful God. May each new day bring us closer to Him as we let His peace rule in our hearts and minds (Colossians 3:15).  

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it,
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will,
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

-written by Reinhold Niebuhr, an American theologian, in the early 1930s

This quote has been on my mind since my friend sent it my way a couple of months ago. I keep coming back to it, and it is shaping the way I think about prayer.:

"Regardless of what crisis or complexity may be threatening to engulf your life, God is at work. You may not see it, but you need to know it’s true. And He’s not just doing one or two or a few things in that situation. He is doing a thousand or more things." -Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Especially over these last couple of weeks, I have felt as if someone clicked, dragged, and dropped me inside of these words. As our family has walked through a recent crisis, as we've faced complexities and problems that threatened to engulf us, as our friends have surrounded us, lifted us up, and carried us in prayer, we've seen God move and protect and provide and open the way before us in ways we never could have imagined. In ways we could not have orchestrated on our own. We've seen circumstances play out in such a way that, when we look back and put the pieces together, we realize a number of seemingly random, separate things that worked together for our good. 

This idea of God working in a thousand or more ways that we cannot see reminds me of a story in Scripture found in 2 Kings 6. The king of Aram had sent his army to capture Elisha the prophet (the man of God) and his men. 

15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked.
16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”
17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

". . . God is at work. You may not see it, but you need to know it's true. "

Like Elisha's servant, I am often fear-stricken by what I see right in front of me. At times it has felt like an enemy army surrounding us. So I've been praying for God to open my eyes, that I may see what is really going on, in the vast spiritual world I cannot see with my human eyes, beyond the circumstances I'm facing. Maybe you need your eyes to be opened, too?

I'm praying that I could see His army surrounding us and know that "those who are with us are more than those who are with them." Maybe you need this assurance, too?

I'm remembering that our God is able to do immeasurably more than I can think or even imagine, according to His power at work within us (Ephesians 3:20-21). Maybe you need to be reminded, too?

I'm realizing that God is even now answering prayers I've been praying for months and years. That in the midst of everything falling apart, God is at work, restoring, healing, and working things for our good. To him be glory . . . throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.









​

Today, Bernie and I are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. As I've been thinking about and reflecting on our marriage, I remembered an interview I saw years ago with an actress on a morning show. She was asked about the secret to her long (and seemingly happy) marriage. I’ve never forgotten her reply.
 
“Well, If we want to grow old together, most of us are going to have to persevere through some hard years.”
 
Sometimes I hesitate to share posts like this, because I am mindful of those who have gone (or are going) through a separation or divorce. I’m mindful of those who have lost their spouse and the opportunity to grow old together. I'm thinking of those who are in very difficult marriages, feeling little hope that things will get better. And I’m especially mindful of those who may be in a an abusive marriage, because I don’t believe we are called to persevere through abuse in marriage. If this is you, please seek help and wise counsel so you can determine your next steps (1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you are grieving the loss of your marriage, I pray for God’s comfort and peace. And if, for any reason, these thoughts and reflections are not helpful or do not resonate with you, that's OK, too. 
 
While I'm sensitive to those who are hurting, I choose to share this because I know there are SO many of us in those “in-between” years--somewhere between “newly married” and “growing old together”. We are establishing households, starting families, raising and launching kids, or maybe blending families from previous marriages. We are building and re-inventing careers, doing ministry together, taking care of aging parents, navigating losses and financial stress and illnesses and all the hard stuff life throws at us, and we are doing it all from our limited, flawed, human conditions. We are living with varying degrees of brokenness: carrying past hurts into our present relationships, struggling with hang-ups, perpetuating poor communication patterns, choosing unhealthy (and often times, costly) coping mechanisms, and repeating destructive habits. Many of us will absolutely go through some really hard seasons in our marriages. We will have moments where we think, “This is where most people walk away. This is where most people call it quits.” We will grow weary and be tempted to grow bitter as our hearts harden toward the one we promised to love and cherish “till death do us part”.
 
If this describes you, can I encourage you to keep going? To not give up? Researchers have found that two-thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. They also found that those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together. This is astounding data, and it makes me wonder why we don't hear more about persevering through the hard seasons in marriage. 

Generations before us thought it noble to "stay together for the sake of the kids," and I understand some of the reasons we've moved away from this in our current culture. For example, I've heard some of the 'kids' from these families (who are now adults) say they wish their parents had just divorced because their home environment was so toxic and miserable, When I encourage you to keep going, I don't mean to keep running on a broken leg. I'm not saying to keep operating in dysfunction to the detriment of you and everyone around you. 

However, I don't think the shift we've made is much better. The marriage pendulum seems to have swung all the way to the other side, with personal happiness being the highest value, and when one person (or both) in the marriage feels it's no longer serving them, they opt out. There is this pervasive message that if you've fallen out of love, if you've grown apart, if you no longer feel satisfied with the person you made vows to, a better, easier life awaits you on the other side of divorce. Yet, the second finding in that study was that "those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together."  

I recently had a conversation with a young twenty-something adult who is unsatisfied with their job situation. They've worked a few different jobs over the last couple of years, and there always seems to be something out there that looks more promising, When I suggested they stay in their current job for awhile, establish some seniority, and grow through the challenges, their reply was eye-opening for me. "Wow. I guess I never thought about sticking it out and staying with something that's not great right now to see if it may get better."

I would propose that "staying together for the sake of the kids" isn't enough. It's not what any of us really want, is it? But growing together? Learning together? Allowing God to transform us together as he heals and shapes us, as he empowers us to change and become more loving people? As He shows us His plan and design for marriage? This is where perseverance can make all the difference.

Perseverance can include endurance, but it goes further:

• Endurance: the ability to withstand hardship or adversity.
• Perseverance: the continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.

If we just coast along in our marriages, toughing it out but staying miserable, hoping things will get better on their own, they probably won’t. If we continue to sweep things under the rug, ignore problems, react defensively, enable destructive behavior, and pretend like the brokenness in our relationships and in our lives isn’t real, then we will not heal. We will continue to be stuck in the unhealthy patterns we keep repeating, and we will feel powerless to change.
 
The truth is, we are always moving in one of two directions: towards perpetuating our brokenness or towards healing. The choice is ours, every single day.
 
Perseverance is about actively moving toward healing and change. It's about trying again, and maybe trying something different than the last thing that didn't work. It’s about seeking to understand what each of us is contributing to the breakdown in our relationships. And I don’t think we can--or were created to--do this on our own!

Here are some ideas (taking into account the resources available to you) for moving toward healing as you grow old together. See if one or two resonate and then move forward with it!

• Start with working on yourself. Get individual help to work on individual growth: therapy, growth groups, recovery programs, and grief support, to name a few. We may want to point our finger at our spouses, thinking they are the problem, but if we will get really honest with ourselves and prayerfully consider where we need to change, heal, and grow, we can show up healthier in our marriages. 

 

• Find a good marriage therapist and invest in your relationship. (If the first therapist you see isn’t a good fit, try another one!  And if your spouse won't go, start going on your own.) 

 

• Look for a church that is grounded in God’s Word and has a thriving marriage ministry. Look for people who are real, who are willing to open up and be honest. Then get involved.

 

• Join a couples’ small group. And here's the key: when you start sharing about your lives, be vulnerable and go first. Everyone thinks everyone else has it all together until someone bravely says, "Actually, we're not doing so great." The moment you open up about your struggles, others in the group will likely follow. Vulnerability can take your group from surface-level to deep connection. 

 

• Seek help and recovery for addictions, past trauma, codependency, mental and emotional health concerns, grief, any hurts and hang-ups that are affecting your marriage. (Check out Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous or addiction-specific groups, Al-Anon, Grief Share near you.)

 

• Go on dates. Get out together and do something you both enjoy! And get it on the calendar. When our kids were little, it was difficult to find sitters. We started a co-op with some friends and had Friday night date nights: we rotated houses and took turns watching the kids while the other couples went out to dinner. It was a win for everyone!

 

• Have fun together! What kinds of things did you used to enjoy doing together? Revisit some of those activities, and try something new! 

 

• Learn how to create safety in communication so you can talk about the hard stuff. This is not easy but so, so important! You can't feel close to someone if you don't feel safe to open up. Marriage expert John Gottman has identified The Four Horsemen in conflict which, according to his research, are destructive to relationships. You can read about how Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling may be impacting your marriage and, more importantly, how to eliminate and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns.

 

• Challenge and expose faulty thinking and theology. Becoming aware of distortions in our thinking (click here to read about 7 cognitive distortions and how they impact relationships), as well as challenging false beliefs is good, hard work. Bernie and I were raised in very similar church backgrounds, and over the course of our marriage we have identified several false beliefs that have been detrimental to the health of our marriage stemming from: Scriptures taken out of context; certain verses given more weight or importance over others; one person's needs considered more important than the other's; over-generalized gender roles; unreasonable expectations; entitlement; and enabling selfish and immature attitudes and behaviors.                                                                                        Paul wrote several letters to the early church teaching mutual love, respect, honor, and submission in marriage. He emphasized consideration of other's needs and not only our own, speaking the truth in love, and love that is not proud, arrogant, self-seeking, easily angered, or demanding its own way. Our example is Jesus, who laid down his life for us. (See these for reference: Colossians 3:12-14, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, Ephesians 4:25, Ephesians 5:21-33, and Philippians 2:4.) 

 

• Find a mentor couple with whom you can open up and share what is really going on. Bernie and I have sat on both sides of the table with this, and these relationships are a treasure! Do you know a couple whom you respect and admire, who is further along in their marriage journey than you are and seems to have a solid relationship? Ask if they'd be willing to get together from time to time. Again, get real with safe people.

​

• Humble yourself. Cry out to God. Surrender to Him, and ask Him to make a way through for you and your spouse.
  

• Soften your heart. If your heart has grown hard, ask God to soften it. The two best ways we've found to soften hard hearts is through affirmation and ownership. Appreciating (and verbalizing) the good in your spouse and taking ownership for your mistakes can help us move away from criticism, pride, and resentment. This can sound like: "Something I love about you is . . ." and "I'm sorry for . . . " Doing these two things daily can transform your marriage. 

• Learn how to listen to understand, and not just to respond. Ask, "Is there more you'd like to tell me about that?" Practice saying, "Help me understand . . ." and "Well that's a different way to look at it" instead of "You're wrong!"
  

• Go after your spouse's heart. Learn how to love your spouse like they’ve never been loved before - like you’ve never loved someone before. With God's help, there is SO much we can do before we ever get to a place where we feel we’ve exhausted all resources and come to a dead end.

 
This is our marriage story--30 years, a handful of them really hard, but more and more of them really good. Bernie and I just launched our youngest to college, are recent empty nesters, and this summer we moved back to my home state of Michigan. Through all of these changes, I can't express enough the gratitude we feel that we are doing this season of our life together. There was a time I didn't know if we'd get here. We are (and always will be) works in progress, AND I am beyond grateful for what God has done for us and in us.

We are definitely growing old (no question about that!), and we are doing it together. We wouldn’t be here without God’s grace. Without Him making a way for us through what seemed like irreconcilable differences. Without our marriage counselor and medical professionals, without our former church’s marriage ministry—where we experienced so much healing and learned skills that transformed how we communicate—and our Tribe of people who have walked us through and prayed us through those hard seasons. Without our friends and family who are walking us through this season right now. And without our kids who have given us three good reasons every day to keep going.

​Truly, to God be the glory.

Sometimes we think of prayer as a last resort. When we’ve exhausted all our own efforts, abilities, ideas, and brain power, we say, “I guess the only thing I really can do is pray.”
 
Boy, is that backwards. 
 
Paul writes in Ephesians 3:20 that God “is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…”
 
This means that whatever idea I have for how God could work in a situation, He’s got something far better. 
 
This means that anything I could possibly come up with for how God could answer or move is too limited.
 
Any request I make is too small. Anything I can dream of (or even imagine) is incomplete. Too short-sighted. Too temporary. 
 
Let me say it again: God can do IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.
 
We see the problems in front of us; God sees eternity. We see one or two things He could do; He sees a thousand. We are praying for that one person we love, for God to work on their behalf; God is working in innumerable ways around that person, in the lives of many more who are connected to them, because God’s love is SO MUCH GREATER than ours. The scope of His grace, love, purpose, power, and plan is beyond our understanding. His reach extends far beyond our little worlds. 
 
Isaiah 55:8-9 says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
 
Prayer is not meant to be our last resort. It needs to be our first line of defense, our initial response to what is happening around us, our knee-jerk reaction to the concerns, triggers, and disappointments we face every day.
 
And if all of this is true (which I 100% believe it is), then here is the best news: I don’t have to figure it out. I don’t have to tell God what to do. I can pray with a surrendered heart, from a posture of humility, and with great anticipation knowing that He is going to work in ways I can’t. Even. Imagine. For His purposes, praise, and glory.

Amen!

Big resolutions intimidate me. You know . . . grandiose, mind blowing, epic promises of transformation. As in, by the end of 2022 I will be a different woman! You won't even recognize me after I . . .  

• Lose 50 pounds.
• De-clutter my basement, organize my closets, and clean out my desks.
• Run my first marathon.
• Stop all unnecessary spending and increase my savings by 50%.
• Become a New York Times Bests Seller.
• Become a better Christian, wife, mother, sister, friend.

Yep, it's going to be a great year. But first, I need to go take a nap . . . 

You may have guessed it by now - I typically do not make resolutions. At least not these type of too-specific, too-vague, too-unrealistic kinds of promises. To be clear, I think there are times and seasons when these kinds of resolutions may be exactly what we need. Sometimes we reach a point where something's gotta give. Desperate times call for desperate measures. We need to make big changes if we want to change our lives in big ways.

But most years, what I really need is the power of small changes. I need bite-sized action steps. I need what John Trent, in his article, ​Course Correction (first published in Thriving Family Magazine, 2009), calls the "power of 2-degree changes." 

Using the illustration of a steering wheel in a car, he demonstrates the power of small shifts on the course of our lives. When you turn a steering wheel just 2 degrees to the right or left, over time, it changes the direction of where you are headed. 2-degree changes - both positive and negative - have the potential to run us off the road or move us in a better direction. Over time, these small adjustments add up to a cumulative impact on our lives. 

Small, steady changes have the power to transform our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health as well as the health of our relationships. 

So instead of big resolutions hanging over my head, I'm thinking of smaller, doable shifts:

• Going for more walks. Even in the winter, bundling up and getting outside is SO good for my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. It gives me time to connect with God or with a friend, listen to a podcast or music, or just enjoy solitude. 
• Mini de-cluttering sessions: I grab a garbage bag and fill it with either garbage or items to donate. Sometimes I set a timer and see if I can get 2 bags done. This is fast, kind of fun, super easy, and not overwhelming. Once I have a few bags in the trunk we make a trip to donate them. 
• Stocking our fridge with good food: planning ahead and keeping the fridge and pantry stocked means we eat healthier and eat out less, saving us calories and $$$.
• Moving forward with next steps in my writing goals: This can apply to whatever our professional or relational goals may be. Just figure out the next step, keep moving forward, and leave the outcomes in God's hand.
• Make time for connection:  with God, with my husband, with my kids and my friends. Getting dates on the calendar is how I make this happen. I have a handful of people with whom I would like to reconnect or deepen friendship. So I am trying to pick one person to connect with each week, in addition to the couple of regular friends I stay in close contact with. A few days ago I called my Aunt Carol - I've been meaning to for months. It sounds ridiculous, but I finally put it on my calendar and did it. We talked for an hour and I loved every minute of it.  

If you haven't yet taken some time to look over that last year and reflect on where you've been, and then look ahead and think about where you are headed, I'd encourage you to do that. I have been spending some time reflecting on this and here are some helpful questions I've explored:

What healthy habits am I already doing, and how can I continue/increase these as I head into 2022?

What habits have I developed that are unhealthy, and how can I move away from these and make better choices? (This may include unhealthy relational patterns or patterns of addiction - wherever we may be moving towards things as a way to escape/cope with stress, pain, or loneliness.)

What relationships are life-giving? How can I intentionally increase connection with people who inspire, encourage, challenge me (in good ways) and fill my bucket?

What relationships may be pulling me in a direction I don't want to go? Do I need to distance myself from or change the way I am engaging with certain people as I create healthier boundaries?

Are there people whom I need to forgive or ask forgiveness for something I have done?

Where has God been moving-stirring-prompting me in service or ministry to others? How can I grow and develop the gifts he has given me for the good of others and to bring Him honor?

Where might God want me to increase giving my time, energy and resources?

Where might God be wanting me to pull back and refocus my attention?

Is there an area of my life where I need healing, and is God leading me to get help from a trusted friend, leader, or counselor? 

How have I grown closer to God over this past year? Was it through a Bible study, small group, time spent alone with God in prayer? How will I increase this, and what pathways enable me to best connect with God?

Looking at what is and is not working is incredibly important as we move forward and think about the small shifts we want to make in 2022. 

One final thought: While most of us experience a few monumental, pivotal moments in life, most of our growth and transformation happens through the small, steady changes we make from one day to the next. I love how Paul David Tripp puts it in his book, New Morning Mercies, A Daily Gospel Devotional:

Whether our resolutions are big or small, I pray that 2022 will be a year of increasing growth and transformation for us all. May we daily draw closer to Jesus as He continues the good work He began in us. (Philippians 1:6)

 "It's the most wonderful time of the year . . ."
"From now on our troubles will be miles away . . . "

But what if it's not the most wonderful time of the year? What if your joy feels miles away, your troubles feel closer than ever, and your burdens only feel heavier as we approach Christmas and New Year's?

The thing about the holidays is they have a way of magnifying both the good and the hard. If, for example, you are enjoying harmonious relationships, good health, or have celebrated a milestone over this last year: a marriage or birth in the family, a new job or move, then your joy will be that much sweeter. And, on the flip side, if you have lost a loved one, are experiencing relational or financial strain, or maybe you or someone you love has received a difficult diagnosis, the emotions that go along with those things may also be heightened. Some of us just feel weary with the daily grind of life, and some of us have found ourselves pulled into the hustle and bustle, to the tasks and to-do lists, to the overspending, overcommitting, and sometimes overwhelming stress and chaos of the season.
 
Joy is a spiritual quality - a fruit of the Spirit - so unlike happiness (which is an emotional response to good things that happen in our lives), it is not tethered to our circumstances or other people's behavior or choices. I believe we can experience and cultivate a deep, abiding joy that stays with us even in hard seasons. But first, we have to identify those things that rob us of joy: 

1.  Stress: Whether it's extra financial strain brought on by the holidays, finding gifts for everyone, stressful family events, tasks such as putting up decorations, shopping, and food preparations, busyness, the pressure to produce the “perfect” holiday, or taking on more than we can handle each year - holiday stress has a way of snowballing and draining us of joy and energy.

2.  Comparison: Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Especially this time of year, it can be so easy for us to compare. As Christmas cards come in, we enjoy seeing people's highlights from the past year, But sometimes these Christmas cards can feel like the ultimate Instagram post - and they don't often reflect the reality of everyday life. If we aren't mindful of our tendency to compare, we can find ourselves making up stories about how great other people have it. We can easily become discontent with what we have or don't have, what we've done or not done, who we are and who we are not. It would serve us well to remember that the circumstances surrounding the birth of Jesus were not glamorous or easy. He was born into a hostile, broken world. If Mary had sent out a card that first Christmas, I wonder if it may have looked something like this:
3.  Expectations: On others. On ourselves. Expectations others place on us. Trying to make everything perfect and everyone happy. Expectations about the way we think things should be . . .When we set our expectations unrealistically high, we set ourselves up for disappointment. This, too, robs us of joy.

4.  Isolation/Doing it alone/Pretending: Most of us have experienced some degree of isolation over the past year and a half. During quarantine we weren't able to see family and friends. Some of us still are not back to our regular schedules and social lives. Many of us are still working from home. Still doing online church. We have been cut off in different ways from connection with others. And there is another kind of isolation that is particularly painful. It's the loneliness we feel even when surrounded by others. Whether we don't feel safe to open up, or whether people just don't seem interested in knowing what is really going on in our lives, we can feel incredibly alone and isolated from others. 
 
I did some of my own "research," asking women to share what is robbing them of joy right now  Here are some of their answers:
 
I'm always wondering:

•  If I’m doing enough
• Will they think I’m cheap
• Will it point them to God
• Are all those calories worth it? 

 
Family get-togethers: Now more than ever, differences of opinions, experiences, amped up reactivity/emotions are causing division in our families. Whether it's politics, the pandemic, religion, controversial issues, one woman said, “I am thinking what robs joy is having people you love walk away from you because you don't believe the same way they do.”

Navigating loss during the holidays: Another woman shared, “Celebrating without my Dad - he died suddenly in mid-Sept. My family is devastated and grieving. Every day is still hard and I fear the holidays will be even harder.”
 
This resonated deeply with me, because nine years ago my mom was diagnosed with cancer a few days before Thanksgiving. By Christmas, we knew it was stage three, inoperable, and incurable.

Everyone - my mom, my sisters, and their families - decided to come to our house for Christmas. All we knew for sure is that we wanted to be together. We needed to be together. We prepared our favorite foods, decorated the house, and piled presents around the tree. We systematically moved through the holiday, doing our best to keep everything as normal as possible for the children, but those of us who knew about Mom’s diagnosis were wondering the same thing. Will this be our last year together? God, what kind of grief will this new year bring with it?
 
This is now our eighth year without Mom. Her birthday in October and the holidays have hit me hard this year. I told my husband, "It's not just that I miss Mom - I miss her everyday. But I miss the way our family used to be. I'm grieving the way her loss has changed things." You see, my mom was like the glue in our family. Even with sometimes difficult, tricky sibling dynamics (and now with each of our kids growing up and those dynamics multiplying), we each knew the special place we had with Mom. The special place we had in her heart. We each knew we were loved and accepted. In a way, she was an equalizer. Sometimes it’s still really hard to do this without her here.

One of the things I've been focusing on this season is how I can SIMPLIFY. Because If we desire to celebrate and focus on Christ, create meaningful connection with others, and cultivate joy during this season, I think we have to  start with simplifying. Scaling down. Scaling back. I'm thinking “Christmas Un-plugged.” This can include shortening our to-do lists, holding on to the traditions that matter most and letting go of the ones that don’t, and maybe even starting some new ones. Our youngest works as a hostess in a restaurant and has to work on Christmas afternoon. Since it will only be three of us at home that evening (our oldest and her husband are not coming home this year), we've decided to go eat at the restaurant. It's super different, but this year is already really different for us, so I'm open to trying something new. I've also been checking my motives, resisting the pull to try to impress others, control outcomes, or do anything that distracts or detracts me from the true meaning of Christmas.
 
As we look throughout the Christmas story we find JOY everywhere. 
 
This first "snapshot" begins with an appearance from the angel Gabriel, but before he visits Mary he appears first to a priest named Zechariah…
 
Luke 1:13-14 But the angel said to him: “Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to call him John. He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth…"
 
Luke 1:28-31 The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus." 
 
We see joy two-fold with Zechariah: first, with answered prayer for him and Elizabeth, then expanded to "many" through John’s unique calling to go before the Messiah and prepare the way.

And twice in these texts we see the message: "Do not be afraid." Partly because Gabriel is an angelic being and it appears that every time he shows up people are terrified! But also because fear and anxiety are part of our human condition. Our tendency, especially when facing the unknown, is to fear.
 
For many of us, the anxieties that plague us throughout the year are heightened during the holidays - the heavy burdens we carry only feel heavier during this season. This message “Do not fear” is absolutely for us.
 
Fearful thoughts often begin with these two words: What if . . .
What if the treatments don’t work? What if my child loses his/her way? What if we can’t resolve these relational problems? What if I lose my job, fail, am rejected or alone?
 
Notice that Gabriel first said, “The Lord is with you. . . .” and then, “Do not be afraid.” Maybe you’ve heard it said that God does not call us to do something without equipping us to do it. This is that. The truth and reality of God's presence enables us to not be afraid.
 
It's why David writes “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” (Psalm 23)
 
The reality of God’s presence – Immanuel (God with us) – changes our What if . . .? to Even if . . . We are not given the assurance or promise that our What ifs will not happen. But we are promised His presence to help us in every moment of our Even ifs.

“You fill me with JOY in your presence.” Psalm 16:11

1.  WE FIND JOY IN GOD’S PRESENCE That last Christmas with my mom, we went to the Christmas Eve service at our church and these lyrics became my prayer for us:
 
O come, Thou Day-Spring
Come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death’s dark shadows put to flight
Rejoice, rejoice, Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, o Israel
 
We needed the hope of Christmas more than ever before. Our world and our hearts were breaking into pieces, and we needed the presence of Emmanuel, God with us. And we’d need it every day of the New Year.
 
Whatever you may be facing today, I want to invite you to bring your anxieties to God. “. . .because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
 
“When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.” Ps 94:19.
 
Two words in Hebrew are used for the phrase "cares of my heart" in this text: the first means "anxious and disquieting thoughts"; the second means "deep within your body."

And the word for "consolations" is this picture of God taking the raw and tender places of our souls and smoothing his healing balm over them.

Jesus is our Wonderful Counselor  
 
And then, as we bring our cares to God, as we are comforted, our hearts are cheered and filled with joy. And we find that He is completely trustworthy.

2.  ​WE FIND JOY IN TRUSTING HIM I remember a conversation I had with my mom, not long after her diagnosis: She told me she believed she would be healed, but that no matter what happened, she was in a win-win situation. If she was healed, she won more time with her family. And if she died, she won eternity with her Savior. Either way, her future—and ours—was secure. 
 
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. (Psalm 28:7)
 
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)
 
Let’s look at another snapshot from Mary’s life…
 
Luke 1:39-45 At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
 
Luke 1:46-55 And Mary said: “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, . . ."

3.  WE FIND JOY IN AUTHENTIC CONNECTION
What a gift for Mary and Elizabeth!! Very few would have believed what was happening to Mary - not even Joseph believed her at first, and he was a righteous man. So she goes to visit Elizabeth, perhaps not unlike the way a young, pregnant, unwed girl might go visit her aunt today. Elizabeth greets her and 
 
We find joy as we make relationships a priority - Connecting in practical ways (baking, shopping, playing games . . . ) and more deeply with safe people - sharing honestly with others. Meaningful connection with those who have vision to see God at work, who will believe with you that the Lord fulfills His promises.
 
Another snapshot from Mary’s story: After the angel tells her she will conceive by the Holy Spirit and give birth to the Son of God, and that even her relative Elizabeth is pregnant in her old age, he proclaims: “For no word from God will ever fail." And Mary replies, "I am the Lord’s servant, may your word to me be fulfilled.”
 
Mary’s response was deeply rooted in surrender. And it reminds me another moment of surrender 33 years later - Jesus in the garden, on the night he was betrayed, arrested, and then crucified, he prays. “Not my will, but yours, be done.” It’s why the writer of Hebrews tells us to “fix our eyes on Jesus . . . who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)
 
4.  WE FIND JOY IN SURRENDER.  As we surrender outcomes, control, the way we think things should be, we find joy. We can say, even if this is not what we wanted, "It is well with my soul . . ."
 
Even in the midst of our brokenness and sorrow, the faithful presence of Emmanuel is undeniable. We do not walk alone. The true hope of Christmas is not that our troubles will magically be far away, but that Emmanuel comes into our world, into our pain and grief, and brings true healing to every heart.
 
One final snapshot…
 
Luke 2:8-11 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.
 
The JOY of Christmas – and everyday – is found in a person.
 
5.  WE FIND JOY IN JESUS:
For ALL who choose to prepare Him room, to worship Him as King, to trust Him as Savior, to surrender to Him as Lord . . .
 
We can be sure of the place we have in His family - the special place we have with Him. Jesus is the glue. He is the Great Equalizer. We are so loved. And somehow this helps us to love others - even amidst tricky dynamics and complicated relationships. Whatever challenges we may be facing in our lives, He is Immanuel, God with us. We belong to Him.
 
“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
 (1 Peter 1:8-9)
 
 As we experience the presence of Emmanuel, as we trust Him with all our hearts, as we authentically connect with God and others, as we surrender everything and every part of our lives to Him, as we draw near to Jesus, may we be filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, at Christmas and into the New Year.

You see, it is not a question of "if" we will face challenges and hard seasons in marriage. It is a given. The better question is, "What will we do when the hard times come? To whom will we turn?" Bernie and I have been married for 27 years, and we are still growing. We are still learning how to love. We still hit some bumps in the road, and when we do, we know where to go for help. First we go to God. We go to our trusted circle of family and friends. We still get help from a counselor when needed. The ups and downs will always be a part of this journey. We have tried to normalize our struggles - to model what it looks like to "struggle well" - so that our daughters will not be surprised when they hit some bumps along the way.

​Our prayer is that Kate and Steve will always turn to God for help and keep Him at the center of their lives, and that they will turn to us, to their families, to their community of people who have pledged to walk alongside them in good times and in hard times. 

When we marry, we choose to become family with our spouse for the rest of our lives. I shared these words with Kate and Steve a few months before they took their vows: 

​“I hope that on your wedding day you are crazy in love with each other. I hope you feel like no other couple on the planet has anything close to the amazing love you’ve found. And, I also pray that when those feelings fade—and they will—and when hard times come—and they will—that you will not be surprised. There will be times when loving one another will be as easy as breathing. You won’t even have to try. And there will be times when loving your spouse will be the hardest, most sacrificial thing you’ve ever done. In fact, you won’t be able to do it on your own. You will hurt each other more than you can imagine, and you will need God’s help to forgive. When you say, ‘I do,’ you are signing up for a life-long journey of transformation. You are pledging to love each other through the good and the bad, the best and worst of times, whatever comes your way, for the rest of your lives.”

​In his book Sacred Marriage, author Gary Thomas writes, “The beauty of Christianity is in learning to love, and few life situations test that so radically as does a marriage. . . . If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn’t matter how difficult the person is whom we are called to love; it doesn’t even matter whether that love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, ‘Like it or not, I’m going to love you like nobody ever has.’”
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Here are the Scriptures Steve and Kate chose as readings during the ceremony:

This wedding was a blast. It was a celebration of real-life love and the God who shows us how to walk out our vows every day. Kate and Steve are beginning the adventure of their lives, and we truly could not be happier for them. I think these photos tell the story of God's faithfulness to so many of us as we have walked together, rejoiced together, and persevered together through life's ups and downs. 

Ephesians 3:14-21
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For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 
so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 
may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep 
is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled 
to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus
throughout all generations, for ever and ever! 

Amen.